Before I got married, I knew that normally did not act with wisdom when it came to managing money.  Granted, I wasn’t making much  money, but what I did make, I treated as disposable income because I also had very few expenses.  I lived with my mom because of the nature of my job, and I had extremely low monthly payments are a few thousand dollars I owed on my car.  That was basically it besides the minimum payment due on my large school loans each month.  Other than those things, I would shop and go out to eat A LOT.

When Patrick and I were about to get engaged, we did a budget to see if we could afford it.  What we realized was that we were wasting most of our income on dining, entertainment and clothing.  There was even one month, we had spent about $500 just on going out to eat!  It was shocking and embarrassing when we realized it.  After the first “budget meeting,” we definitely started trying much harder to be good stewards and being careful where we spent our money, but in all honesty, we were only mildly successful.  We didn’t have a plan, and it showed.

When we got married, we moved into our first one-bedroom, 700-square foot apartment.  We got into the habit of praying together each night before going to sleep.  Being mentally and emotionally burdened by our new living expenses, we began to pray that God would help us to be wise and good stewards with the money He gave us.  In the meantime, when we would pay bills, there was often miscommunications and tiffs over the money.  When we looked at our calendar of bills due, there was 3-5 bills due each week because of the number of debts and other living expenses we had taken in including my school loans (the largest amount by far), Patrick’s truck payment (our largest payment monthly), some wedding related stuff, and a couple of small credit cards.  In all it totaled about $65,000.  We felt so imprisoned and controlled by our debts, but we couldn’t ever seem to change our situation in a drastic enough way to make a dent in the debt.  I am not even sure that we realized that getting out of debt was the answer to our problems with money.

One night early in 2007, there was a work event that I had to attend.  It was an open house for a new building that our organization owned.  It was there that a co-worker’s husband, Andy Crais, told me about Dave Ramsey.  What he told me about Dave’s plan for financial freedom intrigued me enough ta tI started trying to catch Dave Ramsey’s radio show in the afternoons.  As I began listening, I realized that I didn’t have to be a financial genius to be sucessful with my personal finances.  He had a simple road markers outlining the path to financial freedom.  Patrick and I began talking through some of the principles I had heard.  Early on, when I would listen to the show, I would get tears in my eyes when someone would scream “I’M DEBT FREE!”  I wanted that type of freedom for us so much.

Finally, I decided that I wanted to know more.  I bought Dave’s book, Financial Peace University.  As I read it, I talked with Patrick about it.  We began to gain confidence that we could perform what Dave called “the baby steps.”  So in June 2007, we made our first budget and made the decision that getting out of debt was our family’s financial goal.  We began withour smallest debt and we poured all our extra money into paying it off.  We reigned in other areas of our life so that we could allocate more money to paying off debt.  We were on “beans and rice, rice and beans,” as Dave would say.

Paying off the first couple of small debts was addictive and made us feel like we were making great progress toward our goal.  As we paid off more debts, we would put the money that had gone to that debt towards the next debt on our list.  As we were doing our “debt snowball,” we continued istening to the radio show and learning how to make wise financial choices in all areas of our life.

For example, payments in general, but especially car payments, perpetuate the cycle of debt in someone’s life.  Honestly, in my whole life, I don’t think the thought had crossed my mind that it was possible to not have a car payment, and to have a paid off martgage, that was just a ridiculous idea.  That was only for really rich or really old people.  Needless to say, this type of teaching added fuel to our “get out of debt” fire.  A debt free life was the kind of life we wanted to have.

As we shared our new goal with family and friends, they rallied around us to support us in the effort.  In fact, some of them joined the “get out of debt” bandwagon.  In fact some of them beat us to the goal!

I’ll never forget the day that Patrick decided to sell his beautiful, comfortable, brand new Tacoma pick up truck to eliminate a large chunk of our debt.  He instead purchased a beat up, no frills, $500 Jeep that he has now drive for about two years.  He sacrificed so much comfort and the appearance of affluence in order to do what was best for our family.  I respect him so much for that!

We both sacrificed.  Learning how to delay the pleasure of spending money was probably the hardest part, but the most rewarding part too.  We have learned that being wise with money is the most loving thing we can do for each other.  We haven’t even bought Christmas gifts for each other in 3 Christmases.  Learning to delay pleasure for the greater good is a lesson that has changed us forever — thank goodness!

In this process we have totally gotten on the same page financially and never fight about money now.  Statistics say that the leading cause of divorce in America is money problems.  Thank goodness because of the last two years, we’re not going to be in that statistic. In fact, making money decisions together has added to the openness and intimacy of our marriage because we have been able to share our dreams and set goals together.

It was difficult to work to bring our financial life into order.  There were many times I thought we might not meet our financial goals.  Later in the process, it wasn’t nearly as fun because the periods of time between successes became longer because of the size of the debts.  But yesterday, we finally did it!  We sat on our couch and pushed the send button on the computer to make our very last payment to Sallie Mae.  And two and a half years later, we are not only debt free but we are different people now.

Acts 9:31b says:  ”And walking in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit it [the Church] multiplied.”  Instead of pining to move mountains with my faith (which would still be great, don’t get me wrong!), I just want to truly walk in the fear of the Lord.  I want His opinion of me and His approval to matter above everything else.  If the fear of the Lord could be foremost in my mind and heart, the other distractions are automtaically removed – whether others like me, whether my boss likes my work, whether girls make wise choices under my leadership, whether people are trustworthy or will betray me, what my future holds, how much money I make, what my coworkers or people in the community think of me.   If I can keep the fear of the Lord in its rightful place, the next step – walking in the comfort of the Holy Spirit – comes automatically.

The things that those guys in Acts were going through were pretty hardcore.  All the apostles got imprisoned and miraculosly released, Steven was stoned and NOT raised from the dead, church members were forced to move their homes to other cities because of persecution, and God told poor Ananias to visit Saul who three days earlier was trying to snuff out or imprison people like him who were a part of The Way.  I mean, those guys needed a massage!  And yet, they walked in the comfort of the Holy Spirit.

How many times do I get my perspective out of whack, especially at work, when something doesn’t go my way?  I am all stressed and upset and worried over things much smaller than that.  I do not walk in the comfort of the Holy Spirit.  I miss out on my burden being light because the fear of the Lord slips down below some of the other fears on my list, so there is no comfort for me.

God, help me to walk in the fear of the Lord and the comfort of the Holy Spirit every day for all of my life.

Amen and let it be.

A couple of weeks ago, I visited a monastery for an overnight prayer retreat.  It was the first time in my life I have ever done anything like that.  And even now, when I read the word monastery I feel like I am probably a fogie trapped in a 25 year old’s body.

3 weeks ago, Wellspring started a corporate Daniel Fast during which time you only eat fruits and veggies with a few other things.  The main things being fasted are meat, sugar and caffeine.  It has been amazing to me that times of discipline can bring so much satisfaction.

I have also been reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  He, by the way, makes me want to leave all my worldly possessions behind and move to California to be a part of his church.  At one point in this book, he tells the reader to stop reading the book and read through the gospels to see  Jesus for themselves.  I did.  And I am not the same.

So basically what has happened is that these three events have catalyzed a paradigm shift in my life, and I want to tell you about it.  I do have a disclaimer though, I don’t think these thoughts are anywhere near completion.  I guess I just want to share a little bit of my inner life.

At the monastery, I saw men, some old with white frizzy beards and hunched backs and some younger than me, who devoted themselves totally for their whole lives to “work and prayer.”  Their discipline is almost appalling–appalling in the sense that I have no idea how anyone can live in that much discipline in the long term.  I am still baffled by it, but the point is that their deep devotion is reflected in the way they live their lives.  Even just in the two days I was there, giving up basics like speech, rich foods, busyness and technology was elemental in my understanding of how life can be different when we stop listening to the news, the radio, the commercial marketing, the TV.  It was amazing to get just a small taste of how different life can be when we listen to a different voice.  Simplicity moved my heart in a way I cannot describe.

After I returned from the monastery, Wellspring started the Daniel Fast.  I went into the fast desiring to connect with God in a new way.  In denying my physical appetite, I was choosing to feed my supernatural appetite.  If there is anything I have learned from this fast, it is that I am weak.  Nothing good is in me and I have nothing good to offer outside of what Christ puts in me.  A fast has a way of squeezing you so that what is really inside will come out.  And what I have seen come out of me needs a Savior.  It’s amazing how we can start to think that we are the “good soil.”  We think we’re not so bad compared to other people and that we measure up pretty well.  What a shame to be so deceived.  God, save my pharisee heart.

In reading Crazy Love, I think I have seen Christianity and specifically my Christianity in a new way.  I think for a while now my passion for Jesus had been overwhelmed by responsibilities in my job.  What used to overflow from deep within has been mustered over the last little while.  One thing I have begun to understand from Crazy Love and from the gospels is that “mustering up” love for God is not the goal.  Doing things to make God happy is not the goal.  Doing those things does NOT make God happy.  And it will NEVER satisfy my heart.  The scriptures say that IF you are a believer, X Y & Z are the fruits of that decision.  And, for me, the time has come to make an honest evaluation of whether X Y & Z exist in my life.  I want, with all my heart, to exhibit the fruits of God’s Spirit.  But I know that I can’t do it on my own.

So, what has been my response to these three experiences?  Absolutely Nothing.  I am not going to make a 12 step plan to achieve my spiritual goals.  I’m not going to try a lot harder to be a good person.  For the first time, maybe ever, I am going to be silent and let God do the talking and the working.  My job is to be fully submitted to Him, and I am that with all my heart.  Now, I will work on the art of BEING transformed by a God who knows what’s best for me far better than I do.  I will trust.

You can consider me RE-calibrated.

The desire to build the temple for the Jewish God was a deep seeded passion for the king after God’s own heart.  It was David’s desire and ultimately Solomon’s task to build the “house of God.”  And inside that extravagant and excellent house would rest the very epitome of the presence of God – the ark of the covenant.  It was in that house that God’s spirit would live.  And at the dedication of the temple, the Spirit did invade and fill up the whole temple with smoke.  The temple was designed to be a place where Heaven came to earth.  It was a place where the supernatural connected with the natural.  

Then, with some of the most beautiful symbolism my mind can comprehend, the New Testament says in 1 Corinthians 3:16 “Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple…”  After the miracle of Christ’s divine life and his atoning death and resurrection, the Bible says that we are designed to be a place where Heaven comes to earth.  We  are the way that the supernatural connects with the natural.  Our lives are the portal into the miraculous and mysterious story of God. 

When I think of our existence, that my life is “just a vapor,” it feels deeply important that I use my life to be that portal.  It is the only thing that means anything.  I think of all the people around me whose lives are not portals for the supernatural.  Some chase money.  Some chase sex.  Some chase approval.  Some chase performance.  Some chase religion.  And then I wonder what it is that I chase.  

You know, in the Bible, there are so many stories of one person’s obedience that saved a whole nation or a whole family. 

Noah saved his family and all generations of humanity to follow because he built a boat in a dessert that had never seen rain.  

Moses saved all of Israel because he heeded the call of a burning bush and a God named “I AM”.

Ester saved all the Jews because she had the courage to use her influence in the face of total annihilation.  

And these are just a few.  Knowing that the obedience of one can change the outcome for so many makes me feel deeply responsible for my life to be one of obedience.  I pray that my desire to be an unhindered portal for the supernatural to invade the natural would make a difference for some.  I pray that Christ’s will would be done perfectly in my life, as it is in Heaven.  I commit to moving forward with Him.  

If you haven’t heard Israel Houghton’s “Moving Forward,” you need to.  Check out the YouTube:

This song has been my anthem of commitment to the Lord to be His temple, a portal into the supernatural.

A.W. Tozer – “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us . . . For this reason the gravest question before the Church is always God Himself, and the most portentous fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like.”

Charles Johnston was called into the court room.  I know that so many people affected by this tragedy wanted to stand and yell at him or end his life right there.  But no one did.  Squeaky theater seats made the only sounds.  His face was aged but attractive.   Mr. Johnson did not appear to be an exceptional man.  He looked like someone you would say hello to in the grocery store, someone who helped count the offering at the local church, or someone who was a neighbor of your parents.  Mr. Johnson answered the judge’s questions concisely.  

I found it hard to wrap my mind around what I knew to be true.  This man had gunned down three people.  It, even now, is extremely difficult for me to conceptualize what that actually means.  

The families of the deceased had a chance to say something.  There were so many accounts of the lives that had been stolen.  It was as if they wanted Mr. Johnson to understand the gravity of his actions.  These people had been more than someone who was in his way.  They had wives, children and friends.  Their lives were valuable.  The way that Mr. Johnson had acted implied that they were not.  Whether the people who spoke dealt with the tragedy through forgiveness or anger, they were all forever changed by the decision of Mr. Johnson to become a murderer.  All of us in the room were changed.  When the grief had almost risen to the ceiling, the families were done.  

The judge gave the accused the chance to speak before sentencing.  He said that his crimes had been misrepresented.  He detailed his actions of that day.  

He told how he had woken up that morning missing his mother.  She was an elderly woman who had died of diabetes at the hospital in Columbus.  He felt as if a nurse at the hospital had not served her properly, so he decided that he would exact his revenge on that nurse.  He went to the hospital twice and could not find the nurse.  Finally, the third time, he heard someone say the name Pete.  So he followed that person and shot him in the chest then the back.  On his way back to his car, he shot someone who came between him and the elevator.  Then, finally, he shot someone who was parked beside his car in the parking deck.  That someone was my grandfather.  I think Mr. Johnson actually used the words “hit him real quick” with the flick of his wrist to indicate a shot with a pistol.  

Throughout his account of the day’s events, Mr. Johnson couldn’t even remember two of the people’s names he killed.  He pointed to the families and said “their relatives.”  How can you shoot someone in the head, spend 14 months in jail and not know their names?  There was no remorse.  He still felt fully justified for killing the first man.  As for the other two, he said, “I never intended to hurt the other two.”  But you did Mr. Johnson.  You killed them.  Now there is a 14 year old girl whose father will not walk her down the isle.  There is a father whose heart is marred by bitterness that he will carry to his grave.  There is a grandson who has no male role model in his life now.  There is a wife of 56 years who sleeps alone.  And you can’t even do them the respect of knowing their names?  

Peter Wright
Leslie Harris
James David Baker 

Mr. Johnson those are the names of the people you murdered.  But those names only represent the sum of their lives.  And that, Mr. Johnson, is something that your selfish, illogical, ignorant mind will never understand.

Over the last couple of days, I have found myself in situations that seem ludicrous. 

1.  This morning I sat across the table from several candidates who have begun their campaigns for Georgia’s office of Governor.  They were articulating the reasons why they thought they would make an excellent leader for the peach state and how Georgia would be different if they were in charge.  They easily slid across extremely complex issues and solutions to those issues.  I was a part of a panel of 6 people asking the questions.  ”If you were governor, what steps would you make to pass legislation to decrease demand for the commercial sexual exploitation of our children?  And how would you provide dollars for treatment for this industry’s victims?”  I sat next to well-accomplished, well-spoken leaders of the faith community who are not only interested in increasing the number of people in their pews, but also in instigating change in their world every means possible, one of those being government.  They spoke with broad knowledge of influencing, if not holding public office themselves through the years.  In that moment, I felt like a joke.  The Secretary of State sat in front of me, and I had no idea what her job is.  I am a 26 year old, non-profit servant, with a title much larger than her qualifications.  Unbelievable.  It is unbelievable that I find myself in a place of leadership, but I have nothing to offer.  I only pray that God would see my inadequacies, fill my mouth with wisdom and influence through me.  

2.  Two days ago, I sat face to face with a child who was manipulated and forced to sell her virginity in order to save a family member.  As she told her crippling story, her face showed no signs of a realization of the dramatic injustice that her life represents.  She had no idea that she is a survivor of an atrocity.  As I thought through her situation, it was unbelievable to me that someone has that story.  I tried to put myself in her place.  I couldn’t imagine it.  Unbelievable.  

3.  I have a friend who just had a baby.  She is younger than me, and I have watched her like a hawk as she has gone through this whole experience.  It has been amazing to see her go from a beautiful, young, vivacious woman to a beautiful, young, vivacious mother.  In some ways, things haven’t changed at all.  In other ways, everything has changed for her.  I have seen her baby grow too.  She is beginning to be aware and express her desires more clearly.  She is growing longer and bigger.  It is just unbelievable to think that this child came from my friend and her husband.  And it is utterly believable to think that it could happen to me too one day.  The whole process of growing a family truly seems unfathomable to me.  Just unbelievable.  

4.  As I think of the unbelievable things in my life, I have to mention the most unbelievable thing.  Redemption.  It’s so hard for me to actually wrap my mind around how a relationship with Jesus Christ has taken my life from the pit.  My mourning has been replaced with dancing.  And that is unbelievable.  I cannot imagine the depth of mercy that it must have taken to pick me up.  It is extremely difficult for me to actually conceptualize why God would choose to save my life.  Unbelievable.  But I am grateful.  And I will live in the unbelievable truth of my own redemption through Christ’s death and life.

Somehow in the evolution of my life, I have lost that gift.  In busy activity and heaping responsibility, I have forgotten to be quiet.  I have forgotten that I am not so important.  I have forgotten that there is a whole universe that continues to spin whether or not I have checked all the tasks off of my list.  

The reason I am writing is to re-discover that discipline.  I look back through my journals and remember the depth of joy – pure pleasure – that I derived from pondering and finding understanding. 

So I realize that I will probably write trash for a while.  But the point is that I am writing.  I don’t want to look back in 10 years and realize that life has buzzed by without recollection because I did not take the time to look, listen, taste and feel it.  I want to experience it.  And so I write.  

“When it is time to die, let us not discover that we have never lived.” – Henry David Thoreau

PS.  A good friend, Nam Nguyen, took some pictures of my family.  Check out his blog from 5/13/09:

http://namnguyen.com/blog/

I also watched this video.  I’m still chewing on it, but I’d love to hear what you think.